Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?
The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude
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If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
Tough guy in pub: oh yeah? Well how ’bout we take this outside?
Me (knowing that it’s a cloudless night just perfect for stargazing): well that sounds utterly divine.
When my 5yo brought home a library book called “People Don’t Bite People” I was really hoping this wasn’t a story his teacher recommended for him
*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: things couldn’t get worse
2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
Me: *facepalm*
CDC: Stop that.
[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager
My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?
Me: When she comes
Him: I know but when
Me: When she comes dude
Him: That’s not a time
Me: I’m going off of the information I have
Him: Do you know the horses she has?
Me: Yes six white horses
Him: See how do you know that
My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.
[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”
[in front of fire]
DATE: I’m still kinda cold *she looks at my jacket*
ME: Oh! Yeah *I take off jacket & throw it in fire* That oughta do it
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night
Me: You can’t prove that
Taco Bell employee: No we can