Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
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Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
The spider sees a delicious cave opening and works quickly, spinning an intricate, elegant web. She steps back, smiling at her work, tears in all of her eyes. It is brilliant.
Me: *closes my mouth after the longest and best yawn ever*
Spider: noooooooooo
Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.
What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?
What kind of bait does a librarian use when he goes fishing?
A bookworm!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayThoughts #ThursdayVibes
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—
“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd
“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”
-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport
i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.
You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.
Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.