Parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to find their kids’ drugs. I couldn’t do it. My kid already doesn’t trust me, according to her diary.
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hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated
Been on hold so long I can’t remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn’t really narrow it down much.
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
The Twelve Days According to Mom
12 stacks of laundry
11 dirty diapers
10 toddler tantrums
9 teenage eye rolls
8 unwashed bottles
7 errands to run
6 kids fighting
5 min sex life
4 mins to shower
3 broken nails
2 giant eye bags
1 tired mom
“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.
How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
Squirrel having fun.. 😅
People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
Netflix and scream at our children?!
Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
You know how sometimes you’re really into a song and you don’t know all the lyrics but you keep singing it anyways? That’s my toddler with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.
A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.
Ex: Please die 😉
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.