Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
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Do I love my coworkers? No.
But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?
Also no…
Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.
UK: Hey u ok
USA: What
UK: I saw what happened
USA: Im fine, nothing happened
Canada: Hey I know what I said before but you can’t stay over
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here
Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.
Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”
Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.
Me: Will it make my dinner?
D: No but-
M: Good talk.
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call.
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
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RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
The 3 yo was playing row row row your boat in a box across the floor. All was fun until he announced his paddle broke.
It’s my shoe. My shoe was the paddle. My shoe is broken.
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.
What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.
17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.
I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars