HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE
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I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
so imagine going to the store.. buying rolls of plastic.. tape.. etc.. and after the cashier is done.. “anything else?” and say “oh sorry.. forgot this” and pull out dexter.. the complete series out of the cart…. when they ask how you’re paying “uhhh we’re going with cash”
I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.
And that is why she will always be my favourite child.
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
my lower back watching me try to live my life
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
[in bed]
Me: Don’t you love being on top?
Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind
Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?
Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.
Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.
Me: *death glare*
someone tried to scam my grandpa by pretending to be me saying “hey grandpa, it’s your grandson, i’m stranded in europe and i need you to wire me $5,000” and my grandpa was just like “…robert would never be in europe”
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.
The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.
Daughter likes bananas.
Daughter likes banana bread.
Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.
Welcome to your 40’s: see that kid dressed up like a cop, he is a cop.
HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
[First day as a waiter]
Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?
Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot
*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.