I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”
You Might Also Like
I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.
Take it from me; I have reverse kleptomania.
4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?
Me: *takes the ducky* Why?
4: I dropped it in the toilet.
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.
me, turning into a werewolf: get out of here. it’s not safe
girl: [holding a tennis ball behind back] i think i’ll b fine lmao
“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward
CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:
ME: Two Thin Mints please
GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!
ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings
GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS
…
ME: Four boxes would be great.
Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.
One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.
YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY
Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.
Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass
Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?
Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you
Scientist: too late
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”
me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago
Man: a pack of condoms please.
Cashier: would you like a paper bag?
Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.
Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
Her: What are you reading?
Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”
Her: What’s that about?
Me: (Pause) Church architecture.
Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.