God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect
Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*
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Aight bet
I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
I hear you like horror movies
You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off
*winks forever*
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.
Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
Yesterday I was feeling off but today I knocked over a small pitcher of soy milk in a diner trying to check my reflection because a really hot girl walked by so I guess I’m back
me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.
[aliens arrive]
people: *screaming crying hiding*
me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*
Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.
Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.
ME: Let’s go get some chicks
[later]
FRIEND: This isn’t what I had in mind
ME: Shhh *carefully places tophat on baby chicken* this is Abe
Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?
Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…
I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!
all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.
One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan