People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog
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Life of an Editor:
I just sat here for a good minute or so going, “Goatfully? That can’t be it. What’s the word I’m looking for? STOP saying ‘goatfully,’ brain!”
It was “sheepishly,” folks.
guy: [drinking a coke]
me, hungover from a 3-day drug and alcohol-fueked bender: can’t believe he’s putting that garbage in his body
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?
ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?
Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah
Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.
My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.
I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!
If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter
It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.
Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away
Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it
Me: I just murdered Frank Sinatra
Cop: What?? He’s been dead for years
Me: I was at the karaoke bar
Cop: Oh I see lol
Me *puzzled* who the hell did I kill?
Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic
age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable
age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable
If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.