I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
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Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?
” I made my famous dip for the office party”
You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.
“But he wasn’t a chef”
Exactly
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.
They did not miss in the small print
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries
NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
*3.5 thank you very much.
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day
When people say: “he’s a nice person once u get to know him”, they really mean: “he’s a dickhead, but you’ll get used to it!”
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
March is coming in like a lamb. Slaughtered and roasted with a nice mint sauce, mashed potatoes and seasonal vegetables.
“Eat me,” said the noun
“Say what?” said the verb.
“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.
“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
Me: When I had a successful allotment, I got a lot of unexpected attention from women.
Him: Grew peas?
Me: No, just female vegetable enthusiasts.
M: I’m gonna go relax
H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help
If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?