Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
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Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them
Step 2:Become a lawyer
Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love
Step 4:Become rich
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
Her: What do you want to listen to?
Me: You name it…I’m pretty eclectic.
Her: Great…I have Amazon music.
Me: Actually I’m not really into the indigenous stuff.
Her:
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
[grocery store]
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens
[New printer]
Align printer *prints page*
Clean printhead *prints page*
Print this test page *prints page*Ink low, replace cartridges
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.
Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…
Detective : Where were you on the night in question?
Me: Wut?
Detective: Don’t play dumb with us.
Her: Oh, he’s not playing.
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.
no caffeine: day 6
-sleeping better
-stable moods
-less anxious
-can’t think straight
-i’m exhausted
-3 people are dead
An attorney is a lot like a Dominatrix.
You don’t want to be seen with them in public, but they’re handy when you’re in cuffs.
I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
The old saying about pissed off waiters applies to everyone really. I’m fairly certain the guy at Home Depot just spit on my mulch.
The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.