She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
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So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.
One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”
Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.
Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂
Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad
Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
[Being followed on my morning run]
Me: Leave me alone!
Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe
My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if
Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.
Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.
[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*
I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good