Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.
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Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now
Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!
When my cousin came out as gay, his parents wanted him to see a psychiatrist.
Which is too bad.
Cuz he was already seeing a handsome lawyer.
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
Nobody invites me to spa day…
Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.
Seventh-Grade Class Scrambling To Piece Together Teacher鈥檚 Home Life From Desktop Background Before PowerPoint Opened
Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers
Me: I hate Asian stereotypes
Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.
He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.
Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
me: lord if you鈥檙e up there, give me a sign
booming voice from above: LOG OFF
me: that could鈥檝e been anyone
1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 馃檨
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i鈥檝e never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”
Law Enforcement: We’re cracking down on distracted driving.
Car companies: Here’s a 9-inch TV in your dashboard.
Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.
Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.
Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes
TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don鈥檛 spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.
These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*