There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁
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[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN
Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.
Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.
Me: Throws holy water in her face.
*Neighbor melts
Me: Not today Satan.
wtf management?!
[birthday party]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
Me: You’re going to daycare today
3: Okay
Me: We’re almost at daycare
3: Okay
Me: We’re at daycare
3: *bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
3: I didn’t know I was going to daycare
ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business
Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.
4-year-old: You have to clean, too.
Me: They’re your toys.
4: It’s your floor.
Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?
Me: …in the basement?
Due to the current economic situation, I’ve decided to start a dating site for chickens.
It’s not my full time job.
I’m just doing it to make hens meet.
7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?
me: i guess so
7: and because she likes books?
me: um…yeah
7: but at least she’s pretty right?
me: …let’s watch moana instead
Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.
Stonehinge
ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.
“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”
The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
Twitter has ruined me.
Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.
Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
Doctor: Did you remember to bring a list of medications that you’re taking?
Me: (Snaps wrist to unroll a scroll that touches the floor.)