I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.
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4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*
Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*
4: don’t want to talk about it anymore
I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/
*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*
Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow
ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?CAT: lol, no
Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar
*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?
*date night*
Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!
Me: …omelettes 🙁
We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
[speaking at an AA meeting]
Me: You’ll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding
*everyone cheers*
friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?
me: sure
friend: does 8 sound good?
me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4
Me: *buys a bra*
The internet: you like BRAS? perhaps you like ONLY BRAS?? Do you need 10,000 BRAS? Do you need to see a new bra every .5 SECONDS?? HERE ARE ALL THE BRAS FOREVER!! YOU WILL NEVER SEE YOUR FAMILY’S POSTS AGAIN ONLY BRAS!
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
Jesus Christ lmao
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.
IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?