I own 2 crabs. One is happy and the other is grumpy. The happy one is crab A.
The grumpy one is crab B.
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My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.
When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents
If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.
I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.
I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).
defendant: *into mic* um can I say something?
defense attorney: NO!
judge: NO!
ghost of dead lawyer: NO!
random stranger: NO!
defendant’s family in courtroom: NO!
prosecutor: YES!!
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER
[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang
Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship
Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.
Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.