Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer
3: for forever?! Yay!!
Me: for five more minutes
3: *bursts into tears*
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OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut
You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…
If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.
You are visited by the ghost of H.P. Lovecraft. He whispers to you about a terrifying, eldritch horror he saw outside. You have to explain that it’s just the car dealership’s inflatable dancing tube man.
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.
While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK
[Theater]
GF: I got M&M’s.
Me: I can’t eat those here.
GF: Why?
M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.
If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia
It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself
Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”
911?
~He’s eating Top Ramen!
911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water
~NO! He’s eating it like soup!
911: That’s fucked up
~I KNOW RIGHT
Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”
Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”
Cop: …
I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no
good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here
bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it
good cop: god he is so bad at everything
My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.
cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me
me: no go away
cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.