just leave it at the foot of the bed
You Might Also Like
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She鈥檚 ugly. You鈥檙e drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
Meeting with a realtor to sell my moms house:
Realtor: What鈥檚 best about this area?
Mom: My sisters are close by.
Realtor: I meant, why would someone want to live here?
Mom: It鈥檚 better than being homeless.
Realtor:
Mom: And my sisters are really nice.
I鈥檓 tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.
I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info
how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like I want to stab someone.
Therapist: That鈥檚 an action, lets focus on a feeling word.
Me: Like if I don鈥檛 get to stab someone I will be sad.
Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”
– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.
Friends don鈥檛 take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.
*knock knock*
“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”
“But I’m having a poo”
“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”
When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
[family feud]
Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…
Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN
Laughing far too much 馃ぃ馃ぃ馃ぃ
My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with
I鈥檓 Sold!
Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.
Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on
My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu
Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party
Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.