“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”
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So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk
candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed
I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.
him: hey have you ever seen house
her: house?
him: yeah like doctor house
me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital
If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
I’m definitely a ten
…tative 4
According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
Mother: We named you after my father
Me: Yeah, I understand how time works
An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.
Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins
*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable
(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.
Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.
Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–
Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I’m totally fine with it.
[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.#WorldWaterDay
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.