When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
You Might Also Like
MOM: Story time
ME: Yay!
MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”ME: mom?
I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old
*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*
*silence*
Am I even in the right parking lot?
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard
*skydiving*
Jumper: Where’s your parachute?
Married Guy: Don’t need one
J: There’s no chance of survival
MG: Not trying to beat the odds
Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.
REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is
When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.
Why isn’t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.
You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
This is Sparta
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly
Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
We’re all eagerly waiting for that one opportunity, e-mail, or moment to positively change our lives, but text message scams really need to step up their game. No one offering anything of actual value would start a message by saying “CITIZEN! YOU HAVE BEEN SELECTED.”
what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,