Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
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Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I think people find me intimidating
Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-
Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia
[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?
Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.
Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.
Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries
Spielberg’s movie “Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Is it because I’m obsessed with Greek mythology?
Her: It’s because of your stupid nicknames for things.
Me, pouring a glass of water: Would you care for Poseidon’s milk?
Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”
Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”
Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”
I told my vodka about you.
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.
This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.
“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something