Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.
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Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.
Zombie: Braaaains
Me: What’s the magic word?
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie (embarrassed): ᴾˡᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃˢˢˢᵉ
I’d like to schedule a disappointment.
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*
asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.
i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple
I really just spent $40 on a costume for my dog so I can win a work pet costume contest for a $10 coffee gift card.
Do I regret it? Nope. Karen from accounting and her cat are going down
That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us
[Whole Foods]
ME: Where are all the donuts?
CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts
ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT
Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating
Friend: check out my conscience shell
Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*
Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”
I tuxedo what I tuxewant.