Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.
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My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”Never been more impressed in my life.
HISTORIAN: So the important thing to remember is Ted Bundy was a horrific serial killer.
PRODUCER: Right. Also incredibly hot.
HISTORIAN: Really, just, try to focus on how he was a homicidal monster.
PRODUCER: Yeah, total smoke show, we’re on the same page.
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
Come on royal family, it’s not that difficult to name your 3rd child. I have 3 sons, Dustin, Jacob and what’s-his-face.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?
Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR
For speeding.
BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]
oh shit
I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.
Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.
If only
I told all my neighbors that I have a twin . . . so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
if I order fries, they are for me
if he orders fries, they are for me
if the next table orders fries and they’re not looking, they are for me
My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
You say tired, I say challenge.
-A toddler at bedtime.
These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!