I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
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Condiments that would be cute baby names:
Dijon
Sriracha
Cholula
Caesar
Aioli
Wasabi
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard
I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”
i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together
*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.
This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.
Me: Don’t push me.
Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?
Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
I’m not homophobic, I love my house!
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi
I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
The closest I’ll ever come to performing in the circus is standing on a swivel chair trying to reach the vodka I told my friend to hide.
[me at 22]
in a hurry, better run up this flight of stairs[me at 32]
i threw out my back because the toaster startled me
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*