My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
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Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.
“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”
Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow
Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb
I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.
How’s your day going?
*stares at phone for 3 hours*
*puts phone down, reads book for 5 minutes*
*glances up from book*
Wow, look at all these braindead fools glued to their phones
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked
Me: Would you like a sample?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Handing out free samples.
Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!
Me: This is a weird Costco.
Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.
Hi, Id like to buy a Nutri-Bullet, pls.
Salesperson: Ah, nice. Off on a cleanse or health kick?
Yes. *imagines drinking lasagna* For sure.
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
[makes a voodoo doll of my dad]
[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
The dead guy in my trunk?
Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?
Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
Who the hell does that in a sock?!?
*squishes out of the room*
adding to the discourse
Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.