Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
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💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both
Dear Olive Garden,
They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*
I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.
But, yeah, let me raise two kids.
Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
ME: I got us a penguin!
WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??
PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.
ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.
I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.
In the bathroom stall and written on the bottom of the door, ” Beware of Limbo Dancers” I wanted to star it and re-stall it one door over.
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
[1st date]
{don’t let her know you’re Hitler}
HER: what are you going to eat?
ME: definitely not seafood
HER: did u say nazi food?
ME: shit
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
My 6-year-old wouldn’t stop playing “the floor is lava” so I put a pair of socks on him and told them they were lava-proof, and now he’s mad because I’m the one “making things up”.
So there’s been some misinformation going around about the “child stabbing machine.” I want to correct some misperceptions. To start, the machine is built to look like a fun party clown. It’s fun! Also (and it’s understandable if you weren’t aware) children love getting stabbed.
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”
imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog
It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.
My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.
The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.
[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes