Midwest trash talk
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I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life
Sometimes I feel unnecessary and too much. But then I get a pack of pencils delivered from Amazon in a box big enough to fit a washing machine in and I feel better.
Ok who’s got my black socks?
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*
son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March
I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.
Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.
*wrapping up business meeting with Kellogg’s*
Kellogg’s Exec: Great work. You’ve given us so many new ideas for cereals. We’ll totally pay you for this.
Me: No you won’t. I know all your…Trix.
Kellogg’s Exec: That’s General Mills.
Me: Leave the military out of this.
I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.
Friend: What’s your favourite season?
Me: Of which show?
Friend: 😐
Me: 😶
Friend: 😕
Me: 😐
Me: 👀💭
Me: Oh you meant like.. the weather.
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts
Is it “shitshow” or “shit show”? I just want
9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.
Me: That’s every culture son.
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
my father died in a conga line and so shall i
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat
why I oughta
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”