Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
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I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants
angel: you died
me: oh no
angel: but at least you lived a good life
me:
angel: helped others
me:
angel: did all u could
me:
angel: *checking clipboard* I’ve got the wrong notes, haven’t I
me: I didn’t wanna interrupt
I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.
Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.
Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.
Always 🥴
She:Hey,Whats up?
Me:Onion prices.
S:You know what I mean,like What’s crackin’?
M:Nutshells.
S:Really?Fine.What’s poppin?
M:Corn.
*Blocked*
Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper
We’ve seen a guy in a hockey mask with a machete, we’ve seen a dude put knives on his glove, but how is there no horror movie about a tiny flying baby with a bow and arrow, that shit sounds terrifying.
[At the gym]
My body: WTF
Me: I know
Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?
Me: No, this is how it is from now on.
Body: *charley horse*
Me: Well played, bitch… well played
[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now
Jogging has never helped my memory.
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.
You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”
I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:
Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer
LEGO Chewables
Nicotine Patch Dolls
Barbie’s Poorly Wired Dream House
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”
Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.
me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects
my bed: [chuckles darkly]
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