Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*
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Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?
Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.
Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?
Clerk: That’s an egg.
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!
*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*
Me: Nailed it.
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty
I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.
and now we wait
God: Done
Angel: you can’t be finished
God: I am
Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-
God: aaand send
Her: I’m pregnant
Me: WHAT?
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*
Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
Turns out that the half-acre I bought is in an active tectonic zone. I’m on shaky ground here folks. I have a lot on my plate and it’s all my fault.
god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference
I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car
I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.
[ brings ouija board to your grave ]
“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”
scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”
Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you
“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol
Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
You’re welcome!