Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
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I would give up shouting at trees for you.
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did
“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers
Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.
I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”
SEVEN DEADLY SINS
Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting
My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too coldUnder my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect
Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:
Any room my wife is not in – 1%
Any room my wife is in – 92%
If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping
Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping
GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
Me: ready to visit grandma?
Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?
Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
Dear Abby,
My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”
Help!
Perplexed in Poughkeepsie
My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point
My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.
I just called one ex a calculator and another a potential murder victim so if you’re looking for metaphors, I’m probably the grapefruit.
Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth