[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
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Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.
Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?
If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests
A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.
reasons why people don’t want to return to offices:
-unpaid travel
-packing lunch
-the bear in the conference room
-dress codes
-the bear stole my lunch
-someone help
-my boss told me to take it up with hr
-it’s eating my sandwich
-code switching
*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*
Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back
So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing
Finished stitching this today 😇
Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations
What’s up r/relationships. So here’s the deal I gave my girlfriend the 2nd toothbrush in a 2 pack when she stayed over last night and she refuses to pay me $1.37 (half the price of the 2 pack ROUNDED DOWN). Should i key her car
12653.
Think I pulled my liver
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.
And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.
me: one big skeleton please
clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s
me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please
me: *filling my plate with a heaping pile of mashed potatoes*
brain: THIS IS PORTION CONTROL PUT THE SERVING SPOON DOWN WE REPEAT PUT TH
me: *goes radio silent*
The only thing I miss about eating meat is the enticing stickers on the packages. I want an avocado labeled “choice cut” or some prime tofu.
After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.
So I bought a second pair.
He didn’t know that balancing your knife on the edge of the sink means you may make a second sandwich, so now we have some serious talking to do.
u date a person for a few months & they already be wanting to meet ur mom like chillllllll it took me 9 months to meet her who tf do u think u are???
gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
HER: my friend katie is single again
ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up
HER: yes!
[later]
DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!