Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*
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Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg
Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely
*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*
gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
yo LA chill out with your restaurant names
If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.
reviewed some movies recently
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him
Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: ha nice try
I: excuse me?
M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.
A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother
Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.