While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.
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Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
Pat is about to own someone
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.
I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.
the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
him: hi, I’m Tom
me: nice to meet you uhh…
my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago
me: m…mom
The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.
Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat
Zoom Staff Meeting
Boss: Everyone staying fit?
Bob: I have a home gym!
Carol: I have Zoom Cross Fit sessions.
Me: I have a vigorous moisturizing routine.
My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.
My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.
I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”
As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.
Today sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar
A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on
I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”
ME: I can’t find my sandals
WIFE: did you look everywhere?
ME: yes
WIFE: even down
ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on
Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.
My workout goals are simple: I’d just like to be able to get up off the floor without looking like a turtle trying to flip itself back over.
Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’
Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’
My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.
Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy