Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.
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“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”
*sigh*
“Because you don’t b-”
“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”
(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
My love language is Latin. It’s dead.
Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out
Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff
police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me
I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…
My husband grabbed a lightsaber and challenged our daughter to a battle. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.
Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
Me: K.
Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.
Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?
ME: uhh…yeah…of course
[later]
ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
There’s a serial killer in our house! Normal people: “CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” – In movies: “Lets go find him” -___-
4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby
Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive.
Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.
Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
I don’t need an alarm clock, I have a 70 lb lab riddled with separation anxiety that wakes up at 5:35 am barking, OH LAWD I AM ALONE FOREVER WHERE ARE YOU DID YOU LEAVE ME FOREVER THIS IS AN EMERGENCY TIMMY IS IN THE WELL HELP ME I AM PANICKING ALIENS HAVE LANDED PLEASE COME NOW
Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
Dr: He has a lot of blockage
“So my Dad has a bad heart?”
Dr: He also donates to charity
“So he has a good heart?”
Dr: Ya, it evens out
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.
JINN: Done.
[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]
JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.
ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.