Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it
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I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.
I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like
“SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP” I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.
Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.
My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.
I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
Nurse: ‘Have you had any adverse reactions to vaccines previously?’
Me: ‘I understand I screamed a lot as a child.’
I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.
Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.
Not me, adding double spaces after a period to annoy my teen.
4: Let’s play.
Me: Ok.
4: You can be the mommy.
Me: Sure.
4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.
Me: Nope, I’m out.
My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.
Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first
WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less
Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
If you want to romance me, take me to a nice restaurant with good climate control, but not too fancy. I want to wear my jeans and sneakers. Ok just take me to McDonald’s. It’s my second home.
BLIND DATE: My last boyfriend thought he was such hot stuff. But he was really just a big fish in a small pond.
ME, a giant worm in a hat and trench-coat: Ha, what a loser! But seriously like how big specifically though?
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.