[Fear Factor]
HOST: and the first contestant to touch the puppy in front of them will be sent home
*camera pans to me already holding puppy*
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I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
When you let grandma cat sit
I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.
[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?
Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.
Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
When the aliens decide to show up from whatever other dimension they are really from, can they please return all my lost socks and bobby pins, thaanks.
what I say: WE RIDE AT DAWN
what I mean: Let’s meet at noonish for brunch and a nature walk
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.
[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people
MOVIE EXEC: So your idea for a superhero is a guy called ‘Candleman’ and his catchphrase is ‘There’s no rest for the wick head’?
ME: Yep!
HIM: Get out
When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
[funeral home]
DIRECTOR: Your uncle got hit by a bus?
ME: Yeah.
DIRECTOR: Do you want a quote on the headstone?
ME: Like what?
DIRECTOR: Well, did he have any last words?
ME: Yes.
me: will I ever have sex again?
doctor: not with that haircut
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.
Me: My computer broke
IT guy: What have you tried so far?
Me: Everything
IT guy:
Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing
Once I was driving with my first wife and we got into a screaming match while she was also eating an ice cream cone. I reached my breaking point and slammed on the brakes which made her face go all in the ice cream. This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve ever done
Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.
Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
HER: so I hear you’re a runner
ME: yes
OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know
longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.