I loved Saint Patrick’s day in Boston it was like if everyone got a concussion during the purge. One year I lost my keys in a pub and a guy gave me one of his keys to make me feel better
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Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.
Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.
There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.
teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?
me: at checkers!
teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?
me: we went camping!
teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?
me: yeah, that one I did
Me: I think our son is feeling ostrichsized
Wife: Don’t you mean ostracized?
*son enters, feathered, elongated neck and legs*
Me: No
One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is
A small toddler is the closest thing you can have to a Pokémon. It follows you around, you love it dearly, no one else can understand what it’s saying, and it is obedient only when it wants to be. The main difference is that training it to fight other toddlers is frowned upon
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days
Hubs: What?! Why?
Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon
My oldest boy struggled with the lighter when shooting fireworks, but my 9 year old mastered it quickly, I don’t know whether to be proud or concerned.
*My Gym Schedule*
Monday: Cardio
Tuesday: Intense weight training
Wednesday: Aerobics, dynamic strength training
Thursday: 3 year break
My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.
*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.
I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”
My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭
“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”
*sigh*
“Because you don’t b-”
“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”
Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.