Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.
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it’s Thanksgiving day. i’m carving a turkey. “ahem” i hear from across the house. it’s my old violin instructor. i sigh and then pick up the turkey, put it under my chin and continue an elegant sawing motion. she nods with approval.
Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.
Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.
[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE
I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help
FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*
What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA
my New Year’s Eve plans:
– sleep until 11:59 PM
– wake up to watch the ball fall
– practice writing 2024 a few times
– go to bed
The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”
[First date]
Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?
Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!
WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live
[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese
Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*
Demon: *possesses me*
Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit
Demon: same time next week?
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
A: You rocket!
#HatDadJoke
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.
10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.