ME: Tell me my future.
PALM READER: I see you going to prison for murder.
ME: Hah! Shows what you know! This isn’t even MY palm!
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You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.
I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.
I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.
Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.
Me: wanna play would you rather?
Her: sure
Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house
[gutter rattles in the backyard]
Her: *narrows eyes*
Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know I’m just messin with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name. lol.
God: are you serious?
Owl: no i’m Owl : )
God:
Owl:
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
[at the office]
Secretary: There’s a fax here for you.
Me: When did it arrive?
Secretary: 1983.
Me: Great. Let me know when the pony express pulls up with the mail from 1861.
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
just gave my 5yo power of attorney
ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.
Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.
The happy life.. 😊
I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road