What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
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[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train
Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.
Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.
Captain: Did you break the sonar again?
Me: Yessir. I’m sorry
Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings
[comedy club]
Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!
Other worms: *silence*
Early bird: *cracking up*
The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.
I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.
Okay, Hello Kitty.
Fine. Miss Piggy.
Ursula.
starting a garage orchestra
My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know
[AA meeting]
Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist
Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?
M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…
“Is the library open today?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t close for Columbus Day?”
“We do not.”
“I think it would be appropriate to do something to honor Christopher Columbus.”
“You could announce that you’re going to come to the library but then accidentally go somewhere else instead.”
*hears recording of my voice*
Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?
Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
ME: I have to jet to the office real quick after breakfast, so—
FAMILY: We have a JET?!
ME: I meant—
FAMILY: Can we ride in the jet?
ME:
FAMILY: Is the jet invisible?
ME: Yes, that is definitely the case
WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes
I’m not sure what everyone at my coworking space does for work, but I’m pretty sure one guy’s job is chewing.
“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible
My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat
The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.
One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.