Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
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Me: It’s cold out there today!
12: How cold?
Me: ICE COLD!
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright12: *sighs*
“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”
Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”
Moon: “So?”
Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”
Moon: “Very funny.”
My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.
Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
What’s the biggest problem you have with your name?
My biggest problem?
Me: “Hi, I’m Marcus. Nice to meet you.”
Business people: “Hi, Marcus. Do you go by Mark?”
Me: “No. If I did then don’t you think I’d introduce myself as that?”
me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.
I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.
What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.
One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”
To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts
GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!
[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good
i think we should see other cousins
I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.
*ignores high blood pressure*
3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.
Breaking news:
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?
my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?
Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth
Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.