I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.
You Might Also Like
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
My spirit animal is fried chicken
Over the past month I’ve been losing my hoodies/sweaters/etc. Today I found all of them under my bed. Turns out I’ve been taking them off in my sleep when I’m too hot and shoving them behind me into the gap between my mattress and headboard
[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?
Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?
mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married
My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts
her: i’m leaving u
me: bc of my drinking puns
her: yes
me: alcohol u tomorrow
These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring
I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.
a fool and his money are hey new iphone
FITNESS TIP: Stretching is important. Stretch out flat on your back. Stretch your eyelids over your eyes. Stretch a blanket over your body.
I’m at the bar & I’m trying to convince this girl with a leopard print shirt to go & bite this girl with a zebra print shirt.
Sticker placement is key.
twitter is a journey
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?
Me: Vodka
Guy: That’s classy
Me: Not in the amounts I drink
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.
ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
[doctor’s]
INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?
DR: Your tests are all clear
IM: Is that good?
DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure
If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day
[Inventing Squash]
FRIEND: What are you doing?
ME: I just [smashes ball] really hate this wall
FRIEND: u know what [grabs racket] so do I