walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
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CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
[traffic stop]
COP: where ya headed?
ME: on my way home
COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*
ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you
My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix
ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote
ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.
Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.
crochet youtube is brutal
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.
So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY
Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
In hell, every bite of steak tastes like kale.
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: ok
Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent
Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.