I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.
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The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
Her: so tell me a fun fact
Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!
H: I mean about yourself…
M: …I know the plural of octopus
Me: No work tomorrow so I’m sleeping in.
Kids: LOL
Dog: LOL
Brain: LOL
Bladder: LOL
V-Day Single: “I am missing out on so much joy.”
V-Day, Dating: *stresses out over finding the perfect gift*
V-Day Married: “We should probably, like, go out or something.”
V-Day Married w/ Kids: “You need how many valentines? For people who can’t even read yet? By when?”
Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.
Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.
My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.
I just learned that at the Vienna airport there’s a counter specifically for people who arrived in Austria instead of Australia as they intended but apparently didn’t try hard enough
Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.
I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break
I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over]
Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok?
Him: ya that’s fine!
*I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats “alright alright alright alright” starts to play on a loop*
Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
Me: 5, 4, 3..
Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”
Me: 2, 1, 0
Kid 1 {Scream crying}
Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”
Friend: “Oh.”
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers
If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.
For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.
Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.
Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”
Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along