What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?
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Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.
Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat
My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was
What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?
Well, when ppl tell my “Happy birthday” I reflexively tell them “Happy birthday” back, if that makes you feel any better
I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”
What was your favorite part of school today?
1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!
2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!
Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”
Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.
Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet?
Rhino: What’s in it for me?
Bird: I’ll warn you of danger
Rhino: I don’t have predators
Bird:
Rhino:
Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening
FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school
ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah
*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*
ME: ive never felt better in my life
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
frog: kiss me, I’m a prince
her: ew gross
frog: you have a problem with frogs?
her: no, with the monarchy
People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
If she didn’t reply to any of your 20 texts, she probably doesn’t have good cell service. Definitely don’t stop texting her