I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…
Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.
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Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there
Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.
I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?
Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I’d highly recommend Fight Club.
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
HER: [being led out in cuffs]
HIM: “Why is she being arrested?”
COP: “Fraud.”
HIM: “I don’t understand.”
COP: “She was faking it, sir.”
HER: “I’m so sorry, Stan.”
Detective: one of you is the murderer
The actual murderer: *remains calm*
Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
Is fructose made with real fruct?
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]
i’m really good at reading people’s true feelings from their words. for example, my wife said “i love how you’ll just leave the dirty dishes in the sink and wait for me to do them,” but i was able to determine that she does not, in fact, love that
we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction
i had such a profoundly vivid dream of my neighbour drowning in the creek soon that i wanted to warn him but didn’t want to look crazy so i disguised my handwriting by using a twig from an ash tree dipped in blood and slipped under his front door a note that says BEWARE THE WATER
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS
Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?
*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*