I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!
It squashed all of my doubts…
And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.
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You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.
me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.
Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*
Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.
I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.
After: sit down.
I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.
the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.
A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.But it was returned…
no strings attached.Wait…what ?
Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit
Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
There are two kinds of people.
Try not to be either one of them.
Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.
so much to do
The cool thing about being a procrastinator is really bad ideas also don’t ever make it off the ground.
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.
All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss
The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.
Me: “Yes, finally! I got a nice, staple paying job!”
Friend: “Don’t you mean stable?”
Me: “Definitely not! I don’t even know if I have enough staples to afford a horse, let alone shelter it.”
I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise
A Short Story.
When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.