PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
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Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..
Daughter: wtf dad?
*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*
If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!
[aliens dissecting humans]
alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol
alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it
alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-
Him: Stop singing to the mustard
Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.
You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
Mornin
Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear
People who hate candy corn love telling you.
FIREFIGHTER: You need to get out of here [dodges falling support beam] right now!
ME: [staring at toaster waiting for pop tart] come on come on
I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.
Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can’t wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.
After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.
If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S
Rachel is KIND
Monica is NURTURING
Joey is CONSIDERATE
Phoebe is TALENTED
Ross
Chandler is FUNNY