ME: I’m not voting for anyone
CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!
TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!
ME: looks like I’m voting twice then
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I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
REALTOR: what size home are you looking for?
OLD LADY WHO LIVED IN A SHOE: 11 , 11 1/2
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?
If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.
Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?
contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment
super villain: no
contractor: right, should’ve seen that coming
Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.
Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!
Me: Nothing in the second?
Her: No, I skipped a period.
Me:
Her:
Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.
DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:
-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money
Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.
picking up knife:
picking up knife in movie: *SHING*
Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings
if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.
Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?