Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.
You Might Also Like
first wiseman: i brought you gold
second wiseman: i brought you frankincense
third wiseman: i brought you myrrh
fourth wiseman: i made you these jorts myself
mary: [to the guy writing the bible] don’t write that last one down
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
Kermit goes Blue.
DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him
THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that
DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.
[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*
Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 😅 Congratulations England, richly deserved 👏🏽🏆 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal
[me, stacking babies on top of each other]
Him: Wha…What are you doin there?
Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.
He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
Sharing a bed should be like boxing:
• meet in middle
• fist-bump
• put in mouthguards
• go to separate corners
• no touching until 1st bell
*narrows eyes*
You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs
Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…
An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.
Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no
Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.
Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!
If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*