Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
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(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years
If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine
If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.
Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.
[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.
My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.
Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog
Him: the what?
Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes